The limbo of a career search.

One question I despise answering in the career search: "When would you be available to start working?"

Employers do not seem to appreciate the awkward position of the unemployed. Being unemployed is no reason to stop living. For me, unemployment is an opportunity to enjoy the activities otherwise impossible when working a full-time job. That means taking extended teaching tours in Europe and elsewhere. It means attending Burning Man (if I can afford it and find a camp…). It means agreeing to help remodel my parent's house as they try to put it on the market.

Employers, meanwhile, are utterly incapable of looking four weeks ahead and saying whether they're in a position to hire. They only know what's here and now, and if there is an opening it must be filled urgently. This setup does not bode well for the "funemployed," as we are forced into a crappy dilemma. We can either hang out in our current city, keep life on hold, and wait impatiently for a job to come. Or we can enjoy life as much as possible, but potentially be unavailable when an opportunity appears. Jobs become an ephemeral and antagonistic force, like threatening rain clouds that will only precipitate if you make plans to go hiking.

So here I am, faced with a quandary. I had a very positive interview with a green contractor in Portland. It was mostly an informational interview, though it was clear that a job prospect could come from it. They want to wait until after I return from Europe to talk specifics about an opportunity. Which means they expect me to put a pause on my life post-Europe in the hopes that maybe -- just maybe -- they will offer me a position. But I have other stuff I want to do than sit around twiddling my thumbs. An east coast tour, teaching in California... 

Argh.

Thoughts from the peanut gallery?

A sight of progress.

In a class on searching, I learned the binary search. I first came across this method in 6th grade, playing a "guess what number I'm thinking of" game on my calculator. A game that I programmed. And suddenly I get flashbacks of rudimentary coding on a TI-83. Put together the if() and for() methods, but never figured out what the while() loop did... How times have changed.

Serendipitous conversations and an awakening.

It all began with an email from StartX, a startup accelerator for Stanford affiliates. Browsing their site, I was struck by the number of projects that involve some degree of programming -- even the ones that produce physical objects. Programming is a valuable skill in the startup world. It's a valuable skill anywhere. 

I once aspired to be a software engineer. I learned how to code HTML on my own in middle school, took summer classes in Visual Basic, and daydreamed about being a game designer. I was looking at a trade school up in Seattle called DigiPen, a top notch school for game design (schools like Full Sail are (were?) of equivalent caliber). 

There I sat, staring at the computer, contemplating the steps that brought me to a moment where, 26 and unemployed, I wish I had majored in CS. A few key moments in my high school life set me on my current path of civil/construction engineering instead of software engineering. 

The first blemish on my vision of a future as a software engineer came from reading a book. The Bug: A Novel by Ellen Ullman depicted the harsh realities of programmers in the 80s and 90s.

Awkward co-workers, unremarkable pay, uninspiring work tasks, and soul-crushing work environments. Yes, a work of fiction, but it was the first time that I questioned my desire to sit in front of a computer screen 40 hours a week. And remember that programming was not the sweet gig it is now -- we have companies like Google and Facebook to thank for that. 

My prospects for being distinguished in the field also seemed grim. I knew of so many genius programmers / computer engineers: people that were building their own computer circuitry at the age of 14. I just liked computers and games. I developed the sense I would always be secondary to those with a natural -- or even genius -- aptitude for the field. 

The final proverbial nail in the coffin that put to rest my dream of being a programmer: an innocuous question from my 11th grade math teacher about what I'd like to major in college. When I responded with CS, he expressed surprise that I wasn't considering engineering (civil, mechanical, chemical, etc.). I had no clue what engineering was, so I started asking around. 

That's when I latched onto the idea of being a civil engineer. It was a timely confluence of events that discouraged programming and encouraged a career that emphasized math, problem-solving, and making tangible work products (bridges, buildings, water treatment plants, etc.). 

On good days, I am very happy with my path in life, my career choices, and my confidence in finding a fulfilling vocation. Civil and construction engineering are -- in so many ways -- an excellent fit. 

• You get to build stuff. Psychologists indicate that physical work products are often more deeply satisfying than conceptual or electronic products. 
• You get to problem-solve all day, every day.
• You get to work with people. I like people. I find team interactions to be fascinating. I like helping people work together to build something great. 
• You receive a comfortable salary and comparatively better job security. 
• You work on infrastructure, which is an excellent way to advance the sustainability movement. 

Saturday night was not one of those days. I was lamenting my path, discouraged that I would never get to try out a fascinating field because of events in high school. 

I messaged my friend Bobby, a CS graduate from Stanford. Fantastic person, incredibly talented and intelligent. He offered words of encouragement and resources. Programming, he said, is one of the easiest skills to pick up through self-taught methods; the resources available are bountiful. He essentially laid out a path for becoming a hireable software engineer, and it could take as little as a year. The key was assiduous study and practice. 

The programming world is a meritocracy. It doesn't matter if you have a high school diploma; if you show an ability to program and potential to be a valuable and productive team member, you will get hired. The better you are, the better you do. No institutionalized path to follow or corporate ladder to climb. 

I don't see myself as becoming a full-on software engineer, working for the likes of Google. But perhaps I can combine programming with construction engineering in some satisfying way. Perhaps a startup is not so far out of reach. Regardless of how programming may actually influence my career path, I was pumped.

I began lessons right away, at 1am on a Saturday night. I couldn't contain my excitement, I couldn't go to sleep. This exhilaration was foreign to me, it jolted me from the ennui that has plagued me. I am now taking lessons from Codecademy and Stanford Engineering Everywhere.

The past half year has sailed past me in a blur. I have operated at 30-50% of my potential ever since I moved out to New York. Yes the environment doesn't help matters, but ultimately I am in charge of my own reality. I need to keep my brain exercised, I need a structured environment to push me, I need to always be learning. In that moment, I felt expansive and invincible. Able to accomplish anything. Able to see a path to development and success. Entirely in charge of my own performance in life; I do well if I work hard, I don't if I slack off. The only obstacle in the road was myself -- no politics, no external factors outside my control, nothing.

Programming or no, I am awake.  

I am eager for life, and it feels good. 

Making decisions.

I dislike making decisions. I really, really dislike making decisions. As a Libran, I tend to overanalyze and agonize over every choice, trying to weigh all the pros and cons. Reading books like Blink and taking courses on Decision Analysis have done little to get me through the slog.

Does everyone go through such an extensive cost/benefit analysis on their decisions? I hope not, because it can be paralyzing. It gets worse when you're poor. When you don't have much money, that money is "worth more" to you. $1 to a penniless person is worth more than $1 to a millionaire. The increased worth of money slides the scales on cost/benefit analyses, making life more complicated. You are driven to analyse all expenses with a more careful -- and frugal -- eye.

With most decisions in life, I focus on creating value over saving money. I will happily spend the extra money to buy premium quality meats, cheeses, and produce, because they taste worlds better and feel better in my body. It is, as they say, "worth it to me." That philosophy, however, is challenged when living significantly below the poverty line. For example, the difference between buying the Dance Only pass and the Full Event pass to bluesSHOUT is $100. In the past, I could focus on creating a certain quality of life (which would include the occasional purchase of a full event pass to a blues festival) and not worry about the specific numbers. Now, I must weigh the benefit of dance training against my ability to pay for rent, food, and rainy-day expenses. When you no longer have "extra money" to spend on hobbies, it is much more difficult to justify spending that money to enrich your life.

Being a Libran that is low on cash, more time is spent (wasted?) in the cost/benefit analysis process. 

Meanwhile, a decade of psychology research indicates that our brain's executive function is limited and weakens with use -- just like a muscle. In case the term is unfamiliar to you: "executive functioning involves activating, orchestrating, monitoring, evaluating, and adapting different strategies to accomplish different tasks...It requires the ability to analyze situations, plan and take action, focus and maintain attention, and adjust actions as needed to get the job done." [1] 

A decade of studies have shown that a brain exhausted from executive function use will perform "poorly" in subsequent and unrelated tasks. In one study, subjects were TWICE AS LIKELY to eat an indulgent chocolate cake over a healthful salad when tasked with memorizing a seven-digit number instead of a two-digit number. [2] The same goes for choosing leisure activites (watching TV) over "productive" activities (studying) after a mentally taxing task. [3] Willpower and executive function are finite resources. How you spend those resources (or, in my case, waste them) can have unexpected effects in your life.

(Seriously, read this article and listen to the Radiolab episode "Choice"; they're both totally worth it.) 

Tradeoff resolution -- weighing options and then acting on it -- is particularly draining: "in one study, the scientists show that people who had to rate the attractiveness of different options were much less depleted than those who had to actually make choices between the very same options." [2] Evaluating options is very different when you don't have to act on that evaluation. You can be glib. Ever make a choice in on a plane ticket in advance, and then find yourself stalling and rethinking when it comes to click the "Purchase" button? That is tradeoff resolution at work.

Deciding what task to do next is also exhausting -- even before doing the work! Ever spend 15 minutes scrolling around in your inbox, agonizing over how many things you're supposed to be doing right now and not sure which one to do next? Work philosophies such as Getting Things Done and OmniFocus try to address this issue by removing the process of deciding what to do next; think of it like a context-sensitive, prioritized to-do list where you work from top to bottom. 

The more you fill your life with menial decisions, the less mental strength you will have to spare for the choices that actually matter.

Tying it back into the previous thread about money: as your income increases, you free up your mind to focus on decisions and activities that actually matter (since a decreased value of money can often simplify choices dramatically). Those activities -- such as focusing on a single task (i.e. doing work) -- will then produce returns to give you more income. Success begets more success. On the flipside, it becomes clear how being impoverished (and a Libran) can create a snowballing effect in the mind and impact the ability to focus.

So the next time you're debating the purchase of that succulent $1.25 grapefruit at the produce stand, say "Fuck it" and buy the grapefruit. You have better things to consider.

[1] http://www.ncld.org/types-learning-disabilities/executive-function-disorders/what-is-executive-function 

[2] http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122781981 

[3] http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=tough-choices-how-making&print=true 

Money matters.

Just two more weeks left in Europe. The time passes quickly.

Learning from my past mistakes about booking late with this tour, I am already approaching organizers about my June tour in Europe. Most of my weekends are booked, huzzah! It's reassuring to know that I can at least book weekend workshops reliably. My next goal is to be booked for more full-on weekend events with multiple instructors (e.g. Sideways and EBI). One weekender per tour is enough, but I'd like to do more.

Ruby and I headed into London today. This trip marks the unfortunate conclusion of our adventuring together. After this point, Ruby will continue on to Bristol, Oxford, and green pastures elsewhere in Europe, while I will remain in London with Jenny. Potential still exists for a trek elsewhere next week, however, since it looks like our Easter weekend is not booked. Italy, perhaps?

I find it easier to spend money on good experiences when traveling. For example, yesterday afternoon and evening were spent on the town. We enjoyed gelato, cheese, deli meats, crêpes, and wine. All told, I probably spent 30 Euro in a day. Back home, I can't afford that kind of rampant spending. But on the road, I can more easily justify it as investing in an experience. When at home, I find myself surviving; on the road, I find myself living. (Having a slightly increased income and no rent helps, of course.)

It is a liberating experience to spend money on oneself, but you don't realize it until it's not possible for a while. When I moved to NYC, I suddenly wasn't earning enough money to pay for my rent, let alone food or any other luxuries such as social activities. I switched into survival mode, where I stopped spending money on what mattered to me: good food, the opportunity for social outings (usually in the form of drinks), and the occasional trip to the cinema or restaurant.

I'm a frugal spender, but my time in NYC has put even my spending habits through the wringer. Studies show that increased wealth increases one's happiness up to a certain point of wealth, after which it plateaus. I definitely felt my happiness go down as my income plunged. My plateau point is somewhere around $10-15K / yr. I'm pleased with mine being so low, because it means that I am summarily content even on the salary of a graduate student. Now that I possess a more intimate understanding of poverty, I can appreciate the crazy ways a lack of money can mess with your head. (In fairness: I realize that my situation has not reached true poverty -- where you have a limited income and no resources at your disposal. I have enjoyed the benefit of a safety net in the form of a savings account, plus family and friends that love me and would take care of me if push came to shove.)

When you don't do nice things for yourself and others, you stop treating yourself gently and lovingly. Activities such as a trip to a non-working dance event are foregone for lack of funds, but somewhere in the unconscious mind is a niggling thought: that you're not spending the money because you don't deserve it. It hits closer to home when suddenly you stop feeding yourself well. The depleted nutrional intake (both in terms of calories and diversity of nutrients) puts you into a distressed body state. You body feels uncared for and it's because you are deciding to not feed it. 

Back on the horse.

Oh, hello there, Blog. Haven't seen you in a while.

...

Me? Nothing much. Major life shifts in location, profession, and relationship. You know, the usual. 

...

Sorry we've been out of touch. Just a lot going on.

…

Okay, well have a seat because we'll be here a while.

* * *

This was the little dialogue in my head when sitting down to write this post. Yes, it's been a while. No, I haven't posted about some any of it. When diving headfirst into a new life, it's hard to parse out different life themes and provide digestible posts when all the themes, successes, and challenges in the new life are interconnected, making it impossible to provide a complete portrait without writing a short novel.

But that's no excuse for not trying.

I'd like to thank Tristan for him inspiring me to get back on the blogging horse. We met in Oxford over the workshop weekend a couple weeks ago, a sweet and thoughtful man. At first he didn't connect that I was also the author of this blog. (When he asked me if I was the person from Portland that went to graduate school for engineering and toured in Africa and then dropped everything to become a dance instructor, I thought he was feigning ignorance.) He said I made it very awkward for him to account on his timesheet for the 2 hours he spent at work reading my blog.

I blog mostly for myself, but I must say that having a readership (however small) helps tremendously. It makes me feel like I'm not just spouting of useless, empty crap into the internet ether.

(That famous passage from Macbeth just popped in my head: 

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more: it is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

)

It will take time to catch up on the past six months of my life. It will be a process. In the meantime, I'll start off with something easier: where I am right now.

* * *

Being a dance teacher is not as glamarous as it sounds. For example: right now I am in Paris. Immediately, visions of riding a rickety bicycle down cobblestone streets with a baguette in my front basket springs to mind. In reality, I spend the majority of my day at a kitchen table on my computer: answering and writing emails, planning new dance gigs, promoting upcoming dance gigs, and handling logistics for said dance gigs. Yes, technically, I am touring Europe, but more precisely I am touring the kitchen work spaces of Europeans and SOMETIMES exploring the cities in which they reside. My past 1.5 weeks were spent in beautiful Lucerne, and yet I probably spent 15 hours total being a tourist.

I reiterate: being a dance teacher is not as glamarous as it sounds.

Still, it has its perks. There is something refreshing about changing your work space once in a while. You get to meet countless new people, many of whom will generously open up their home for you. You get paid enough to survive on something you love. You get to (mostly) stay active and mobile. You have little gems of experiences that stay with you forever.

Last night is a good example. Ruby and I arrived in Paris totally shattered after a day of travel. After warding off offers from our host Joke (prounounced YOH-ka) to enjoy a night on the town, we settled on staying in to cook dinner and watch a movie. What followed were hours of wine, music, discussions of the French and English languages, French rappers and (what Ruby coined) French indie rappers, more wine, tasty and filling food, chocolate, and a witty movie (Grosse Point Blank). We all went to bed with smiles on our faces and our bellies. (My stomach later decided to not put up with the wine, but that's beside the point.)

Those are the moments -- aside from teaching -- that make the traveling teacher lifestyle truly rewarding. 

Videos from Rose City Blues.

Right before I left for New York, Jenny and I attended a semi-national blues event in Portland called Rose City Blues. We competed in everything, and did fantastically well despite going up against stiff competition.

The results: In the Jack & Jill, where we are paired randomly with another dancer, Jenny got 3rd place and I got 1st place. In the Strictly, where you choose your partner (and we danced together), we got 1st place! Then, in the Solo competition where you dance by yourself, Jenny took 1st place. Talk about affirmation! What a great way to kick off my new career, hey?

To recap:

3rd Place Jack & Jill (Jenny)

1st Place Jack & Jill (Andrew)

1st Place Strictly (Andrew & Jenny)

1st Place Solo (Jenny)

Strictly

#1: All-Skate - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPTA3hNkkJo

#2: Spotlight - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtoPPpsTu6M
#3: Spotlight - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDq3zRDjxXs
#4: All-Skate (the best one) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxFY_t7faYI

Jack & Jill

Part 1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygAqnorl2cg

Part 2 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HPk4SxbSBI