Serendipitous conversations and an awakening.

It all began with an email from StartX, a startup accelerator for Stanford affiliates. Browsing their site, I was struck by the number of projects that involve some degree of programming -- even the ones that produce physical objects. Programming is a valuable skill in the startup world. It's a valuable skill anywhere. 

I once aspired to be a software engineer. I learned how to code HTML on my own in middle school, took summer classes in Visual Basic, and daydreamed about being a game designer. I was looking at a trade school up in Seattle called DigiPen, a top notch school for game design (schools like Full Sail are (were?) of equivalent caliber). 

There I sat, staring at the computer, contemplating the steps that brought me to a moment where, 26 and unemployed, I wish I had majored in CS. A few key moments in my high school life set me on my current path of civil/construction engineering instead of software engineering. 

The first blemish on my vision of a future as a software engineer came from reading a book. The Bug: A Novel by Ellen Ullman depicted the harsh realities of programmers in the 80s and 90s.

Awkward co-workers, unremarkable pay, uninspiring work tasks, and soul-crushing work environments. Yes, a work of fiction, but it was the first time that I questioned my desire to sit in front of a computer screen 40 hours a week. And remember that programming was not the sweet gig it is now -- we have companies like Google and Facebook to thank for that. 

My prospects for being distinguished in the field also seemed grim. I knew of so many genius programmers / computer engineers: people that were building their own computer circuitry at the age of 14. I just liked computers and games. I developed the sense I would always be secondary to those with a natural -- or even genius -- aptitude for the field. 

The final proverbial nail in the coffin that put to rest my dream of being a programmer: an innocuous question from my 11th grade math teacher about what I'd like to major in college. When I responded with CS, he expressed surprise that I wasn't considering engineering (civil, mechanical, chemical, etc.). I had no clue what engineering was, so I started asking around. 

That's when I latched onto the idea of being a civil engineer. It was a timely confluence of events that discouraged programming and encouraged a career that emphasized math, problem-solving, and making tangible work products (bridges, buildings, water treatment plants, etc.). 

On good days, I am very happy with my path in life, my career choices, and my confidence in finding a fulfilling vocation. Civil and construction engineering are -- in so many ways -- an excellent fit. 

• You get to build stuff. Psychologists indicate that physical work products are often more deeply satisfying than conceptual or electronic products. 
• You get to problem-solve all day, every day.
• You get to work with people. I like people. I find team interactions to be fascinating. I like helping people work together to build something great. 
• You receive a comfortable salary and comparatively better job security. 
• You work on infrastructure, which is an excellent way to advance the sustainability movement. 

Saturday night was not one of those days. I was lamenting my path, discouraged that I would never get to try out a fascinating field because of events in high school. 

I messaged my friend Bobby, a CS graduate from Stanford. Fantastic person, incredibly talented and intelligent. He offered words of encouragement and resources. Programming, he said, is one of the easiest skills to pick up through self-taught methods; the resources available are bountiful. He essentially laid out a path for becoming a hireable software engineer, and it could take as little as a year. The key was assiduous study and practice. 

The programming world is a meritocracy. It doesn't matter if you have a high school diploma; if you show an ability to program and potential to be a valuable and productive team member, you will get hired. The better you are, the better you do. No institutionalized path to follow or corporate ladder to climb. 

I don't see myself as becoming a full-on software engineer, working for the likes of Google. But perhaps I can combine programming with construction engineering in some satisfying way. Perhaps a startup is not so far out of reach. Regardless of how programming may actually influence my career path, I was pumped.

I began lessons right away, at 1am on a Saturday night. I couldn't contain my excitement, I couldn't go to sleep. This exhilaration was foreign to me, it jolted me from the ennui that has plagued me. I am now taking lessons from Codecademy and Stanford Engineering Everywhere.

The past half year has sailed past me in a blur. I have operated at 30-50% of my potential ever since I moved out to New York. Yes the environment doesn't help matters, but ultimately I am in charge of my own reality. I need to keep my brain exercised, I need a structured environment to push me, I need to always be learning. In that moment, I felt expansive and invincible. Able to accomplish anything. Able to see a path to development and success. Entirely in charge of my own performance in life; I do well if I work hard, I don't if I slack off. The only obstacle in the road was myself -- no politics, no external factors outside my control, nothing.

Programming or no, I am awake.  

I am eager for life, and it feels good. 

A new life.

It's official: I am taking a leave of absence for a year, and moving to NYC to pursue teaching social dance full time.

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It was not an easy decision to make, given the many reasons that I should stay in school at Stanford. But thanks to the encouragement and support of trusted friends (as well as some unexpected acquaintances), I have found the courage to pursue something I love.

It's scary to completely shift your professional focus. I have lived two separate lives for the past eight years: one in engineering and one in dance. They don't commonly intersect, especially when it comes to advancing my career in each. For the first time, I am making dance my top priority and treating it as a full-time job. I have never lived as a freelance artist, never made my livelihood dependent upon the spending whims of others, or based my ability to feed myself on my ability to market my talents on a continuous basis.

But that's what change is for: to push us in new directions. And boy am I being stretched -- in all kinds of directions. 

I am redefining my relationship to money. I am used to living on not much (graduate salary was ~$15K), but I will be making a fair bit less than that in dance, especially in the beginning. Up until now, I have lived frugally and found that my spending habits naturally balanced with my income level. Now I will have to start making sacrifices, particularly in my living space and eating habits. I am moving into a much smaller space, which means divesting myself of most worldly possessions. I will bring with me to NYC what I can fit into two checked bags and a carry-on. It's interesting how much attachment I have to things that I never use, like books or dishware or my Xbox. But at the end of the day, those things don't matter much. 

I am now living in a vastly unstructured work environmnt. Whereas in school, I have classes to attend, homework to complete, exams to study for, and research to conduct, in the dance world I am entirely my own boss. I answer only to myself. That means I must find a way to motivate myself to practice dance or work on promotional tasks instead of watching another episode of The Daily Show. It's been a surprisingly big challenge to learn how to be productive without external motivators like a grade. I think exploring productivity in this space will prompt tremendous growth on my end, but only through a lot of frustration and difficult times. 

I am fully redefining myself as a dancer, not an engineer. I have spent most of my life working on disciplining my mind. Now I must make a stronger practice of disciplining my body, moreso than ever before. I'm excited about it, but it has been rather difficult to find a normal stride. I suppose that's natural in the growing pains of dramatically shifting one's direction in life. Being a dance instructor also calls upon a less practiced set of skills, such as marketing, networking, and business management, just to name a few. Again, all things that I'm excited to work on, but man it's going to be a learning process.

In conjunction with this radical definition of self, I am embarking on a new relationship. The effervescent Jennifer Sowden appeared in my life over the summer. Our origins story is almost something out of a movie script.

(Full size)

Jenny is the reason I'm moving to NYC; she's been living there for the past six years. She has a weekly swing series going, and now we are planning to expand operations and do a couple nights of swing and one night of blues classes each week. It will be nice to have something regular to build. On weekends, I hope to keep traveling to teach workshops.

It won't all be entirely focused in New York. I am already planning to take the entire months of March and June for European tours. (Most exciting of all, the transatlantic flights for both are already covered! That's the most difficult part.)

Mixed emotions surround the decision to move to NYC. It will be good for our relationship (because we will actually get to be together), and we will get to explore the crazy world of being in a romantic relationship + dance partnership + teaching partnership + business partnership. I'm also excited to live in the bustling metropolis that is NYC with someone who knows many hidden gems of the city. I am not so excited about the higher cost of living. I am way less excited (read: quite sad) about leaving my friend base on the west coast. Yes, they will travel with me in spirit and always be there for me, but I know that I will see them less. I will also see my family even less than I do now -- yet another sad consequence of moving east. Still, it will be a valuable experience to move so far away from home, to a land vastly different from my past experience. When the time is right, people can benefit a great deal from changing their base of operations and forging a new life elsewhere.

A new profession, a new way of life, a new location, a new relationship.

As a dear friend said to me earlier today: "It sounds not boring."

My thoughts exactly.

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Shooting blanks.

ARGH! I'm 0/4 on fellowship applications. This is getting a little discouraging. I no longer look forward to opening any emails that say "Fellowship Application Results" on it.

An update on life.

I received my first "flight bump" yesterday. The red-eye flight to DC was overbooked, and I was lucky enough to be one of the first volunteers. $400 in flight credit, plus meal covered and a hotel voucher. Sweeeeeeeeeet.

Presently on my way to DC for the Clinton Global Initiative University. It is, essentially, a student conference focused on dealing with global issues of climate change, poverty/human rights, healthcare, and education. One day of panel discussions, one (half-)day of public service, and lots of networking. I am here, pledging my commitment to keep assisting the Chife Foundation with their design work.

The Engineers for a Sustainable World (ESW) class is shaping up to be a good one. We have a class of talented, excited students, supported by three passionate sub-team leaders. A substantial amount of planning should help push the pace of each project. We are trying out Basecamp, an online project management tool. It's pricey ($20/mo), but worth a shot for one quarter. Who knows -- perhaps it will make a substantial improvement.

Cripes, what a crazy schedule… (Last week,) finish finals on Wednesday, go out DJing at BTB until 1:45am. Pack, sleep 45 minutes, then catch a 7am flight to Victoria. Teach five hours each day, plus two hours of private lessons, plus going out dancing for another 1-4 hours. Typically getting 4-5 hours of sleep. Visit with relatives -- the one truly relaxing part of spring break -- and teach another 2 private lessons each day. Stay up WAY TOO LATE on Tuesday, connecting with a woman (Eileen) with whom we had an instant bond. Probably had to do with both of us living and doing work in Africa. Lots of laughing about (and commisserating over) life in that continent. Fly home on Wednesday after rescheduling my flight because the seaplane was grounded on account of high winds. Pack and catch up on work Thursday, then head to the airport for an 11pm flight. Get bumped, go to bed at ~1am, wake up at 4am, catch a 6am flight to DC.

Phew. It's exhausting to even think about it.

And somewhere in this crazy time, I'm supposed to work on a grant proposal due in (less than) two weeks. Oy.

Still no word from NSF or NDSEG. I get twitterpated whenever I think about it. Best to keep it off the mind. One or two more weeks…

Was accepted into the Engineer's degree program. It's essentially a second Master's degree, with a research component. Levitt is supportive and energized about my research proposal. Getting the NSF would help with funding, though it seems likely that I could scrounge enough funding to make it through the program without paying tuition. (I would just have to work a lot harder for it.) I am definitely excited over the prospect of doing interesting work in IPD, connecting with international researchers for data, and embedding myself into the planning process of real construction projects. I am grateful to have found a line of research that is not isolated from the industry. No idea how people working in a lab, pipetting all day, can motivate themselves. (Props to them for the resolve, though.)

Grades turned out fabulously… A+ in Organization Design, A in Decision Analysis II, pass in my seminar class (ESW) and independent research. My GPA is back to a 4.00. (Stanford works on a 4.3 GPA scale, i.e. A+ = 4.3, A = 4.0, A- = 3.7.)

What a relief!

Dead/finals week just got less stressful. The project due today, for which we would've pulled an overnighter to finish, was (by the grace of the academic gods) granted a week-long extension. Now we have the time to complete it without driving ourselves into the ground. Imagine that!

Lauren is visiting this weekend. She is on spring break by that point. Hopefully I can stay focused enough to a) reasonably complete my projects/exams, and b) still enjoy our time together. The tables have finally turned. For the first time, I'll be the limiting factor in how much we get to goof off. (She's had a very, very, very busy year.)

My impressions of Stanford.

In response to a friend's inquiry re: Stanford and the MBA program...

I haven't seen much of the MBA school, just of the students. Most of my impressions are formed through interactions with them. However, I have looked at the courses offered in the program and they seem fascinating. Too bad they don't allow attendance by non-MBA students...

MBA students are a mixed bag. A lot of them are interesting and engaging people. A lot of them also have no real skillsets -- it's a common joke among the engineers. (I'm sure they have plenty jokes about our kin, too.) They all have stunning resumes: leadership, management positions, entrepreneurship ventures, etc... They are also good at being charismatic, which to me can seem disingenuous.

Stanford itself is an amazing environment. I love it here. It makes my head explode and crushes my self-confidence at times, but the challenge is welcome. Every quarter I have at least one class that is a crucible -- from which I emerge, stunned that I'm still alive. You would be hard-pressed to find a more stimulating academic and professional environment. Their emphasis on interdisciplinary work, entrepreneurship, and sustainability has fully integrated into the culture. If anything, it's only frustrating to meet so many fascinating people and not have enough time to get to know them better. There are simply too many things to do on campus, so you have to choose how you want to cultivate your experience. I've certainly enjoyed it enough that I'm now pushing to stay in school and do research.

Students work really fucking hard here. That's a good thing and a bad thing. Most maintain some semblance of a balance, though I find that I need more space for relaxation and social time. Still, it's truly inspiring to be in the company of such intelligent, driven, capable individuals. So many people go beyond academics and actively pursue real-world ventures, get involved with organizations, etc. So it's not just people who get good grades -- it's people who get good grades and thrive in the professional world.

For living, it depends on where you land. I'm currently in an off-campus co-op, and happy as a clam. There's plenty decent grad housing on campus, but I found it to be isolating -- by my standards. Weather is amazing. Palo Alto (the adjacent town) is hella upper-class and often yuppy, but you can find gems of genuine goodness anywhere (e.g. my co-op). Dancing is fun, though there's no blues on campus -- except for the classes I teach. There's a fusion venue in the south bay. Lots of dancing in the city, but a 45-60min drive each way quickly discourages one from making regular excursions. I have sometimes considered moving to the city and commuting to school via train. Many people do it and find it enjoyable.

As far as what is unique... well, I think I've pretty much covered that. The students, the stimulating environment, the interdisciplinary focus, the countless opportunities, the professors, etc.

Hope that paints a better picture of life at Stanford. Feel free to ask me to elaborate if you want. At the end of the day, I'd strongly encourage you to apply. I love the school. I'm not crazy about MBA students generally, but maybe that's why I'm an engineer. ;)

It's one thing to read it...

... and another to write about it.

Borrowing conveniently from an email to a friend:


My research has picked up, which I'm really excited about. I get to spend hours reading about topics that I care about and fascinate me. There are definite advantages to independent study... Still a bit daunting, though. Right now I'm working toward a literature review to submit to my professor by the end of the quarter (in five weeks). Even though I've read a great deal on the topic, I haven't written nearly as much. And as it turns out, understanding something in your head is quite different from knowing how to explain it in writing. I think it will be a lot of work to figure out how to express myself and synthesize the many concepts I've picked up.

Research makes me laugh.

I'm starting this book, An Introduction to Models in the Social Sciences, by Lave and March, as part of my research. I get a mere one page into the book when I unearth this gem:

"This book is about the social sciences ... It is a brief introduction to the pleasures of thinking about human behavior. To speak of pleasures is probably dangerous and certainly pretentious. Few people rely solely on any social science for their pleasures, and attaining a suitable level of ecstasy involves work. We regret the latter problem. It is a nuisance, but God has chosen to give the easy problems to the physicists. We do not regret the former problem. We have no intention of suggesting that poetry and sex be abandoned. Rather, we invite you, in the moments left between Byron and bed, to join us in speculating about ordinary human existence." -p.2

Perfect.

Is it Friday yet?

So tired. Highlights:

-Productive afternoon. Taking advantage of OmniFocus functionality.
-Talked with Lauren. I miss her. I want to talk with her more. It makes me sad.
-8am classes kick my butt.
-My schedule is pretty good. I like the open afternoons to be productive.
-Still trying to decide on classes. Too many to take... Why do I keep ending up with 15 units but only getting credit for 10? Why must I push myself like this? I could stay here a while, after all...
-Excited about potential aerial classes! Testing into the intermediate series tomorrow. Also: Ashtanga yoga. Oh boy!! Will need to decide on which one to do.
-I'm getting better about going to bed when I hit the end of my productivity. Staring at my inbox, occasionally hitting refresh, and feeling despairing is a good indicator.

Pleasant distractions.

My brachioradialis are hella sore from splitting wood all day. So now I'm sitting in front of a fire and contemplating the throbbing ache in my forearms. All of which is to say: I'm done with the quarter and not stressed for the first time in a long time. It's a welcome change of pace (and change of concern) from the usual during school.

Some moments worth capturing from the past week...

Fellowship for winter quarter! (w00t!) What a satisfying result for all that effort. I am now on the path to the Engineer's degree, and looking forward to another 1.5 years of school.

Received an A- in my Decision Analysis class. Go figure, right? This was the class in which I received a -0.43/60 on the midterm. I thought it highly unlikely to make it into this grade cluster, but there you go. Even after my decision to take it Pass/Fail (which was a good one), I continued to invest a great deal of time into the class. I don't mind that the A- won't appear on my transcript even though I worked my ass off for it. This was a tough quarter and it's entirely reasonable for me to take a class outside my department as P/F. (Even after falling below the median for the probabilistic portion of the final... I have no idea how I landed an A-.)

Submitted my NDSEG application on time, with all the necessary materials meeting the deadline. Talk about lucky! The whole GRE scores fiasco really had me going for a day... I did my best, now I wait until April to hear back from them and the NSF.

Almost finished with Fallout: New Vegas. Yes, I'm referring to a video game. I mention it because I haven't played a video game in something like eight months. It's mighty fun to enjoy a game from time to time, and this is a good one. It's also deeply satisfying to waste time and not feel guilty about it. Haven't done that in a while...

Listening to The Road by Cormac McCarthy on the way up to PDX. Holy crap that story is intense. Now I can empathize with Lauren, whom read it in one day because she 'couldn't bear to stay in that world for more than a day.'

Excellent news.

Remember my rant about the ETS and the NDSEG?

It all worked out in the end. (Surprise!) After making some calls, it became evident that there would still be a chance for me to submit my NDSEG application and have my GRE scores show up on time.

Two days ago, they were received by the NDSEG.

Whoo hoo! Funding opportunity not lost! Time to finish up my application and submit it before 2pm...

I'M DONE!

I'M DONE I'M DONE I'M DONNNNEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, it feels so good to be finished with the quarter. Sure, I have stuff to do, but all my fall classes are OFFICIALLY FINISHED.

I think the DA exam went pretty well. Played it relatively safe with the probability assignments, mostly because I don't have much to gain from aiming for the 90th percentile -- and a whole lot to lose. Taking it pass/fail, as I mentioned, really simplified my decision-making process.

Now, to celebrate!

Nearly through.

Hard to believe my quarter is almost finished. Completed my last big assignment for Building Information Modeling (BIM) at about 3pm. Hoo boy that was a major ordeal. I was in charge of the structural modeling for a sample building project. This didn't seem particularly bad -- I have a background in structures and the tutorial shown by our teacher made the structural analysis program (ETABS) seem straightforward. Boy, was I mistaken. I spent at least 10 hours on the homework project. Possibly more. Almost all of it was in troubleshooting mode, which is not a particularly fun mode to be in. At the end of the day, I still couldn't get the model to work properly. Even after working with my teacher for thirty minutes, we couldn't resolve the problem. He eventually suggested a workaround so I could at least get results from the analysis program that I could interpret for my design. I'm more familiar with the program, but oy at what cost? Not like I'll likely need to know ETABS for the future. Oh well, there's something to be said for keeping practiced in the art of learning new programs.

Then went on to study more for Decision Analysis (DA). The second practice final exam went a lot better than the first. 26 / 60 on the probabilistic portion, up from -2 / 60 on the first. (Yeah, ouch.) If anything, I can say that I'm at least learning important habits or tricks for the exam. I have never had so much trouble with a class before... I am so glad to be taking it pass/fail. I would be a complete wreck otherwise. No longer do I feel compelled to answer problems with great certainty in an effort to achieve a high score.

The probabilistic grading method taught me valuable lessons about characterizing my own uncertainty, but it does not gel with my desire to do well in classes. Sure, I have undue certainty in my answers in the academic realm, but I think that blind surety helped get me to where I am today. It reminds me of a quote from Prof. Griggs, my infrastructure professor. He said it's fortunate that humans have optimism bias (i.e. the tendency to underestimate the risks and overstate the benefits in planning), because otherwise nothing would get done; the greatest endeavors of human ingenuity and tenacity would have been left at the drawing board.

By about 8pm, I was wiped. Just didn't have any energy left to do more work. Then I realized: I'm pretty much done. Just the exam tomorrow. Well, and the NDSEG application, but that's a much less of a big deal.

Hoping to celebrate tomorrow. Drinking, perhaps? Dancing, perhaps? Both, perhaps? Whatever it is, I hope it will be in the presence of good friends. Most folks seem to be hella busy, so it will be surprising if people are actually available.

After a fun family dinner with Ithaka, it was back to St. Stevens. It was only 10:30pm. So I've decided to treat myself to something decadent and watch an episode of "Six Feet Under." Watching a whole hour of television - what a notion! It's nice to do something like that and not feel guilty about it.

An improbable score.

[Backdated]

Got a -0.43 on my DA midterm. That rattled my self-confidence in a fundamental way.

Each question is multiple choice with four options. You assign a probability to each option being the correct answer, the total of all of them coming to 1.0. Your probability, p, for the actual correct answer is then adjusted on a natural logarithmic scale: 100/15 * (1+ ln(p) / ln(4)). Thus, if you assign a probability of 1.0, you get full credit. If you assign a probability of 0.0, you get negative infinity. You're thus advised to pick somewhere in between. As you can see from this curve (http://bit.ly/sZJpu0), it's quite possible to get a negative score if you answer too confidently. I answered too confidently, apparently.