Friday, March 11, 2011

Why Transportation Engineers (and Civil Engineers) Suck.

It's scientifically demonstrated: highway expansions do not relieve congestion, they just reduce our quality of life. The study was done 12 years ago. This is why civil engineering -- and particularly infrastructure and transportation -- can enrage me so much. For a field that claims to be scientifically based, it sure is adept at ignoring the obvious fact that our current solution to transportation is wrong and unsustainable. This industry is almost glacial in its response to adopting new design philosophies, principles, and methods.


There are no words for the pain I feel right now. I have pushed so fucking hard and I still failed. Handed in my 241B proposal 30 minutes late.

"This has never happened before... You know, your proposal wouldn't even be considered in the real world."

I have gotten so little sleep over the past week. It's all my fucking fault. I've failed my group. I've failed myself. I am so goddamn tired. And I can't stop now. I have reached empty and I just have to keep pushing. How? I don't know. I can't stop crying.

I wanted us to win. I wanted us to put out a really fucking good report. And we did -- it looks great! And we won't get credit for it because Kinko's happened to have a few computer malfunctions. We won't get credit for it because I did not budget enough contingency time. We won't get credit for it because I over-extended myself, allowed myself to commit too much time to other projects, took on just few too many extra tasks because I wanted to do well in everything. We won't get credit for it because I failed. I am so low right now. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Fuck... I wanted to do right. Why can't I do right? I got stuck. God dammit I got stuck and I couldn't move past the small problems to just get something turned in. It had to be right.

And there's probably 50% of the groups out there that did way better a job anyway. Just can't touch them. I am such a waste. I pretend like I'm confident, like I'm capable and responsible and professional and... really I'm just a fuckup that would forget his fucking head if it wasn't attached and consistently fails to meet people's expectations.

There goes ever getting a fucking recommendation from Griggs. Fuck my life. So much for connections to the infrastructure industry... If that were for a real job, I would be fired so fast. What the fuck. I thought I had this together. I thought I could be a leader. I should just be a follower. I should just keep my nose to the grindstone and not do anything big. Because I can't keep it together. I can't. Just when I think I have it, it's gone.

I am so ashamed of myself. I am so disappointed in myself. I am so angry at myself. I can't believe this happened. I can't believe it. I can't. I can't.

And I have to go teach a dance class at 8pm. Put on a happy face! :)

Maybe I'll show up late to that, too. Par for the course... Failure.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Hope for Caltrain

Not all is lost for Caltrain. Faced with a $30M shortfall, the agency considered shuttering almost half of its stations.

Fortunately, other transit agencies have mobilized to support Caltrain. Read here.

Gives me hope. Really.