Friday, March 11, 2011
There are no words for the pain I feel right now. I have pushed so fucking hard and I still failed. Handed in my 241B proposal 30 minutes late.
"This has never happened before... You know, your proposal wouldn't even be considered in the real world."
I have gotten so little sleep over the past week. It's all my fucking fault. I've failed my group. I've failed myself. I am so goddamn tired. And I can't stop now. I have reached empty and I just have to keep pushing. How? I don't know. I can't stop crying.
I wanted us to win. I wanted us to put out a really fucking good report. And we did -- it looks great! And we won't get credit for it because Kinko's happened to have a few computer malfunctions. We won't get credit for it because I did not budget enough contingency time. We won't get credit for it because I over-extended myself, allowed myself to commit too much time to other projects, took on just few too many extra tasks because I wanted to do well in everything. We won't get credit for it because I failed. I am so low right now. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Fuck... I wanted to do right. Why can't I do right? I got stuck. God dammit I got stuck and I couldn't move past the small problems to just get something turned in. It had to be right.
And there's probably 50% of the groups out there that did way better a job anyway. Just can't touch them. I am such a waste. I pretend like I'm confident, like I'm capable and responsible and professional and... really I'm just a fuckup that would forget his fucking head if it wasn't attached and consistently fails to meet people's expectations.
There goes ever getting a fucking recommendation from Griggs. Fuck my life. So much for connections to the infrastructure industry... If that were for a real job, I would be fired so fast. What the fuck. I thought I had this together. I thought I could be a leader. I should just be a follower. I should just keep my nose to the grindstone and not do anything big. Because I can't keep it together. I can't. Just when I think I have it, it's gone.
I am so ashamed of myself. I am so disappointed in myself. I am so angry at myself. I can't believe this happened. I can't believe it. I can't. I can't.
And I have to go teach a dance class at 8pm. Put on a happy face! :)
Maybe I'll show up late to that, too. Par for the course... Failure.